Intake
-medium sized pear (96)
    Snack Intake: 96 calories

Intake
-6" ham sandwich from subway (270)
    (provolone cheese/tomato/lettuce)
-1/2 Strawberry Banana Naked Food Juice drink (120)
    Lunch Intake: 390 calories

I apologize for my outburst of "lame" yesterday, but I felt it was necessary to get a few things off my chest before I could move on.  Anyways, today was quite a busy day. 

Following a "not so good" night's sleep, I woke up feeling rather refreshed, oddly enough.  It definitely caught up with me later though, I'll tell you that much.  I woke up at around 6:30 a.m, a time I haven't been personally acquainted with since I was in high school- though it wasn't that much long ago.  My appointment with my pediatric rhuematologist was at 9, which meant  my mom and I had to leave the house by at least 8:15.  My doctor can sometimes have quite the temper, so I hoped she wouldn't figure that I hadn't been taking my medicine for the past year or so.  As far as I'm concerned, I'm in remission.  I did, however, confess in her confidence that I hadn't been taking it as often as I should (understatement of the century), to which she said that it would eventually catch with me.  Well, I'd think that if that was truly the case, it would've done so by now...  So, I'm very annoyed by all of this.  I have many friends that don't even have to take their medicine anymore, and I should be able to join that club apparently reserved for only the most exclusive members.

After my appointment, mom and I went to the mall to linger for a bit before she had an interview at the church our family belongs to.  It also doubles as a private schooling institution, so she's hoping to become a teacher there while she's working on her teaching credential. Because they don't receive funding from the government, she doesn't necessarily have to have her credential the very day she's hired.  So, I'm crossing my fingers- it would be awesome if she could work with those she's had a very close relationship with for several years.  We've been attending that church since I was in first grade...

While at church, I was able to chill with Debbie (my 8th grade teacher's younger sister, she's 28), who inspired me to create more artworks.  She always has such a sunny disposition, I really needed the encouragement from her.  She's got a knack for art as I do, so it's nice to receive some input from someone who knows what she's talking about.  I told her that I was going to enter an artwork into the Del Mar Fair this summer; I'm working on a self-portrait.  Actually, it's based off of my profile picture for this blog.  When I'm finished, I'll definitely scan and post it for you to see!

Anyway, on a different note, I'm going to try and start eating healthy, and I'm going to keep my mom in check too.  Her 30th high school reunion is this year, and she wants to look halfway decent for the occasion, as do I.  I'm going to be having a mini one-year reunion come summer time, because that's when all my friends are on vacation from their respective colleges.  So, that should be exciting...  I just want to show them that I've faired pretty well after graduation.  If I lose weight, I'll feel more confident, and I know that it'll be evident on my face when I meet them again...  Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start recording my intake and exercise outtake- I have around 2 1/2 months or so until then.  Wish me luck!

I hate to begin my new blog this way, but man, do I feel pathetic...

After receiving the "commitment talk" for a second time by the same guy, my heart's been subconsciously reverting back to what I'll refer to as "old flames"- those I've had a thing for in the past.  Although there isn't much I can do about the way I feel, I'm thinking it's pretty pathetic.  I wish I could control it, because it shouldn't have to be this way.  I mean, as far as I'm concerned, I've moved on, haven't I?  There's no use in constantly thinking about someone who's attending college in Massachusetts, and whom I only have a chance of seeing during the summer, if that.  I guess in order for you to understand why I still have feelings for him, I've got to provide a little background.

I met Sean at camp back in 2001 (?) when I was 11 years old.  The camp I attended was for kids diagnosed with various forms of arthritis or joint disease- I've been going ever since I was 9.  Camp 2001 was different though, because that's when I first laid eyes on the kid in the polar bear sweater, black baseball cap and sunglasses.  I was immediately attracted to him, even at 11 years old.  I was later able to introduce myself to him after we boarded the bus en route to Julian, a small mountain town a couple hours north of San Diego.  I learned that his name was Sean, and that he was 14 years old- 2 years older than I'd initially thought he was.  He was smart, friendly, and was the first boy I took interest in that treated me kindly.  We were to stay at camp for a week, and for the whole duration of my stay, I could think of no one else.

Ever since then, I returned to camp in the years following our first meeting for hopes of interacting with him once again.  He only went to camp a couple more times, but we managed to keep in touch (somewhat) during the school year and during the summer after camp had ended.  I was smitten.  A couple times I even was presented with the opportunity to go to his house, located in a well-to-do area in San Diego.  During the time that I've known him, he's known that I liked him when I was younger, though I'm not so sure that he is aware that those feelings have lingered.  The last time I saw him was before I went to college last fall.  He was the same old Sean that I had fallen in love with (I'll call it that, for lack of a better verb) 7 years ago, though I'd come to terms with that fact that we'd never be more than "just friends."  He's presently attending college on the other side of the country, and it seems as though I'm only able to contact him during his breaks. 

Everything about him is admirable though...  He's interested in languages, like I am, and even went to China last summer as his study abroad option... and I love Asian languages.  I mean, not only is he super intelligent, he's incredibly handsome as well!  As far as I'm concerned, he's carrying the entire package.  But, the chances of us getting together at some point in time are slim to none, right?  I mean, unless he returns to California to reside after completing his education.  What's worse is that I'm sure he doesn't even know how I feel about him- I mean, presently.  I'll tell him someday- preferably when I'm able to reach him again (most likely during the summer).  If my feelings are requited, then so be it, though I'd hate to learn that I've wasted 7 years of my life holding on to feelings that are otherwise unappreciated.   How depressing would that be? *frowns*

Or worse yet- what if he's gay or something?  I remember asking him a few years ago over the phone if he was, but the seriousness of his answer was difficult to distinguish.  He'd told me, "If I was, would I tell you?"  Granted, he is one to mess with me, so it could be a joke for all I'm concerned, but I would figure he'd at least tell me if he was- especially now, at the age of 20.   One of the camp counselors from camp that I've managed to keep in touch with after all these years even confessed that she's had a feeling that he "batted for the other team."  Her words.  I, on the other hand, refuse to believe it.  Now, this very well could be the denial talking- but I'd rather find out for myself, once and for all, because being in the dark is gradually eating away at my sanity.  I just want to know if it's worth it to continue pursuing him, regardless of everything life seems to have against any hope of an "us" at this point.

Well, I should at least do something to assure that I'll at least have a chance at a relationship with him- provided he's not gay, of course- when he returns for the summer.  I could start by losing weight.  So, I think I'll record my intake and exercise outtake in here as well... 

Back to the situation at hand though... 

Anyway, I sent him an email- I figure if I can't reach him via-phone, I'll try and contact him by email.  He's got to check his school email at some point, right?  When I do eventually see him again, I'll definitely tell him how I feel- I'm more determined than ever before, and harbor a lot more confidence than I used to.  I know I have a couple months wait from now, but the anticipation is going to kill me.  I just hope he gets back to me sometime soon.